The One In Which I Apologize

So, here’s the skinny: every Friday for over a year hundreds of people join a kind of writing flash mob over at The Gypsy Mama. I’m joining in today and I have something very important to say.

 

This is not the path I set out to take. This space on my computer reaching into yours was not meant to be served, but to serve. I set out with a mission: to glorify God through my service to you. It was a burden he placed upon my heart and it was not easy. Yet, the great paradox was true.  His yoke is easy and his burden is light.  For, as I leaned on him, he lifted the fear from my chest. He controlled this space and I could use it freely. Then somewhere along the way, the burden returned.  This time it was not fear, but work and it was heavy.

“You have given me this mission Lord and blessed me with this platform, I will diligently work to grow it for you,” was the commitment I made.  And so, I did.  I worked.  I laboured to tell my story and bring it to you.  I learned everything I could to spread this message of freedom.  All the while, I was becoming a slave to this space and my passion began to wane.

Perhaps you read this and wonder how this could be. You still see passion, but isn’t it less?  Yes, I know you agree.  It is due to a filling of space. There is a book God has placed on my heart and that is what I’m excited about.  The passion has moved behind the scenes.  Every few days it emerges to tell you something important here.  In the meantime, I have found a new kind of fear.  What if I don’t write enough to keep you coming?  What if by the time I finish this book, there’s no one left to read it?  So, I slip into the space and throw sloppy words onto the screen, hoping you’ll be satisfied. Now, I serve the space.  Now, I find myself on this path of mediocrity and heading for idolatry.

While I’m at it, there is another thing I’ve discovered on this path. I have been casting seeds of commercialism, one thing I find very distasteful.  I stumbled upon this quite innocently, I suppose.  In need of income, I saw writing as a way to serve my family as well as my readers. I read about monetization and mimicked a few other bloggers. I applied to affiliate programs and obeyed their suggestions. I followed them as law.  I grew more uncomfortable with every word I typed. Committed to honesty, I reasoned that by telling the truth, I did you a favour. Yet, I served companies and not you, my readers.

There is nothing wrong with getting paid for work.  If we don’t work, we don’t eat. I will still use affiliate programs and pray for sponsors. I have been changing some of my affiliations to better serve you and have stopped publishing paid posts unless I am truly passionate about the product and believe you would benefit from it.  So, don’t accuse me of selling out when you see affiliated posts.  Trust that I am serving you by making the recommendation. I want you to have these things whether you buy them through me or not.

I read something this week about branding and realized that I am a brand whether I like it or not.  I now have a name that means something to you.  I hope that you see my name and feel loved.  I hope that you see my name and think freedom.  I hope that you see my name and see Jesus. This is the path I set out on and it’s the path I intend to take.

I apologize.  Will you forgive me?

One more thing: This post might have taken me ten minutes to write instead of five. I had a lot to say. Is that fair? It was still raw and done w/out over-editing.